I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
PANTIES FOUND
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
