his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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