It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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