What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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