I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
