Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
