I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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