your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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