i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
