I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
