Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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