is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
