how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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