she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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