i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
