It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
