hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
