Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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