he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize