We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
