I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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