I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
