You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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