watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
