Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
