i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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