Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
