So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize