i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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