Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize