I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my shit smells like andre
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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