I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
