DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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