i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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