between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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