Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
