how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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