What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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