Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
