life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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