and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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