I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
