Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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