If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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