my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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