I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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