There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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