Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
