fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
