My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
