There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize