the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
