You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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