I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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