Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
