I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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