i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
