So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
