I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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