Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
