So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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