I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
