M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
3 2 1 whiskey
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
