It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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