420 ftw
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
