I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
