After last night, I could never be a politician.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
